I’ve been thinking about creating a blog series for some time now. Something that will be meaningful to me and would make me feels whole. And I realized that I just don’t feel ‘whole’ at all. There are so many ‘mes’ these days and they are all competing against each other. And just like that I decided that every two weeks I will pick one word that I want to describe me, that I know that already describes a big part of me and I will live this word to the fullest. The idea made my heart jump and my feet did the happy dance. It felt right.
I sat quietly today thinking of what words I would like to be described by. I wrote down so many. Encouraging – yes I love to encourage others. Loving, carrying. Smart. Unique. The list kept getting longer… And then I thought of my grandpa who so many compare me to saying ‘you definitely are as quirky as your grandpa’. Quirky. I like it. My grandpa may appear quirky and funny and silly and I couldn’t pin point to what it is that makes my grandpa such a special person. He brings this ‘something’ into the room. He makes everyone smile. I looked through some pictures I took of him recently and it became all so clear to me. My grandpa is 72 years old and he’s the most youthful person I know.
I asked my husband ‘Am I youthful?’ He said ‘You are very youthful. You are a 5 year old trapped in a 31 year olds body’. I pouted, stated I was not 5 and started dancing to the chicken dance playing on my iPod. James rolled his eyes and said ‘Yeah that’s my point’. Ok so maybe I am 5 in my heart. I got used to living in the grown up’s body and it’s so comfortable here. I go to work, pay the bills, do all the grown up things that others do and it’s all so easy and familiar. I took a few minutes to think about how often I suppress ‘youthful me’ so I don’t sound silly or crazy. I am afraid to be described as crazy yet all my friends that know me already know that I am not so very normal. They all have experienced my silly faces, my childish sayings, jumping in the puddles of water on the streets in my red rain boots, dancing chicken dance whenever I hear it. They all love me for who I am so why am I so afraid to be me. The youthful me.
If I asked my grandpa how he does it he would say ‘I just live life to the fullest’ and I know that he does. He doesn’t care about what others think of him as long as they know him as a good man with admirable morals. When I saw him in August he wanted me to take a picture of him while I was running crazy with my camera around his house. He was standing on the grassy patio and before I was able to snap the shot he was up in the air with a huge smile on his face screaming ‘yyyyyaaaayyyyyy’. This picture is priceless! My grandpa in his undies (short shorts) was tanning on his favorite swing and listening to the radio before I took it. He looked peaceful, calm, relaxed, and almost lazy. Nothing indicated the upcoming explosion of youthfulness and energy that happened the moment I took this picture. The aftermath was even greater. My grandpa started laughing really hard and proceeded to telling us a joke. If you knew him you would know that he knows millions of jokes. He starts laughing while he’s telling them and it’s so hard to follow because he laughs so hard. It all happened in less than 5 minutes. I saw him sitting quietly, I saw him jumping, screaming, I saw him telling a joke and laughing so hard he couldn’t breathe and tears started pouring down his face. In just five minutes I went from saying ‘uh and oh’ exploring my grandparent’s house to feeling overwhelmed with his energy and laughing with him. I’m not even sure what we were really laughing about. I loved the feeling. In my head I was 5 again twirling behind my grandparent’s house in a long ruffley dress. The youthful me sneaked out from the deep corner of my heart and took over my grown up body.
I want to remember that feeling. I want to be that person. I want to be described as this person. I want to let the youthful me come out from hiding and bravely show itself to everyone.
Youthfulness (def.) having a vitality or freshness of youth.