Wednesday, October 23, 2013

I learned while my soul was silenced...

When things go bad I do one thing very well. I fall into survival mode and face the yucky. I always did it all wrong. Step one was usually isolating everyone I know. I didn’t want anyone to be bothered by my misfortune and I didn’t believe they would know what to do. I am here to encourage others not for others to encourage me. I’m too proud and too independent. I sadly had no faith in my friends. Step two - I start praying like a mad man looking for answers and grow frustrated when I don’t hear anything back. I keep going. I don’t sleep, I don’t listen, and I keep going. Eventually things pass leaving me feeling exhausted, lonely and depressed.
This time was different. This time crap happened that I had no strength to deal with. This time God forced me to do it right. He forced me to give up because giving up meant letting Him and others in. This time I didn’t want to survive, quite the opposite, I started thinking about giving up and dying. I didn’t want to isolate anyone. I let them in. I let them listen. I let them feed me. I let them take care of me. I didn’t care to do it on my own. In result I felt loved. I gave up but not my friends. Some held my hand; others went above and beyond to make sure I was ok. Some have done much more than I thought I deserved. And God… Well He was listening. Just like every time I shouted out to Him before He was listening. And as always He answered except this time I was able to hear Him back. I wasn’t busy fixing it on my own, I wasn’t determined to persevere. I was in a place where all I could do is let others love on me and hear what He had to say. In words He put in others mouth He said to me over and over ‘I took it away from you so you would change your direction’. I hated Him for that. I hated all He has done. I didn’t understand. God why?
Today I sit here, only 11 weeks after the storm started and only 2 weeks after it’s ending, stronger than I’ve ever been. The joy is bursting out of my heart. My soul is singing. God knew what to do. As cruel as His doing felt at the time today I am thankful for it. He taught me the greatest lesson of all. I – One – Me – Myself – My – has always done it wrong!
I could hear Him this time because there was no other noise in my life. Others took on all my survival tasks upon themselves so the noise was silenced. They took care of me while I had one task only – to listen.
Today I for once know who I am and why He created me in this way. For once I feel like there is a deep reason for all I hold in my heart and soul. I hear the whispers louder and the gremlins saying I cannot much quieter.
I suffered. I surrounded. I survived. I came on the other side reborn. For once I didn’t try to persevere. That was one step, I will forever forgo.

Thursday, October 17, 2013

I haven't...

I haven’t written in a while.
I actually haven’t done anything in a while.
I spent the past two years in hiding, feeling lonely, suffering from an invisible disease.
If you asked me two years ago what my plans for the next two years were I would have given you a long list. I would have had plans and dreams, mostly unrealistic but still mine. I would have told you about all the blessing that were going to come my way. I would have named all the people I was going to meet or spend time with. I would have described all the travels I hoped to journey through. I would have giggled and made silly faces talking about the future. Future was always good in my books. It was always full of God’s blessings.
I didn’t know that my next two years weren’t going to go well. I didn’t know that I was going to become a shadow of a girl that used to be and I didn’t know, nor I could have known that God was going to go to an extreme to open my heart for his love once again.
In October two years ago I got engaged. How could have I possibly thought that those magical words ‘Would you marry me?’ were going to be one of the last sweet memories of the person I then was. Full of light and giggle. Skipping instead of walking. Hamming songs about forever happiness.
I haven’t been this person for a while. I haven’t giggled nor skipped. I haven’t danced. I haven’t bough silly ruffly skirts and I haven’t blown bubbles just to see them bounce of the grass. I haven’t made many new friends nor I have kept in close touch with those I already have. I haven’t done yoga, swam, wore a tank top in public. I haven’t looked up to the skies and said ‘for all those blessings I am thankful’.

I haven’t lived in the past two years.

I coexisted with people and objects that surrounded me. I worked, made it to my doctor appointments, shopped for bigger and bigger clothes while my body grew and grew. I haven’t read any books that make me happy, instead I’ve researched any possible cure for my disease. Except there aren’t any.
For two years I lived a life of a broken person. Keeping strong faith and hoping that God was going to take me away from where I was. He was going to save me. And when I finally end up standing at the edge of a cliff looking up into the sky and begging for love and change, He came through with one little miracle that was going to change my life. One short lived miracle that He took away as quickly as He gave it to me. And He pushed me off the cliff. And there I was, with nothing left. My faith dried out, my anger grew. I had nothing to lose or gain. Nothing to pray for. Nothing to dream about. Nothing besides a very dull, empty pain. Silence in my soul.
And then He spoke to me. First came a whisper. Three words that were stuck in my head on a repeat. Like a broken record. Getting louder and clearer. With no meaning. I followed. And with that came more words. A stranger speaking a message from Him. A stranger that said words she could not possibly come up with on her own. She didn’t know me how could have she known about me. And another stranger. And then a paper sign. And another stranger who used the same exact words that the first one did. Neither knowing what they just said to me. Neither knowing that God used them to speak to me. I was silent, He was loud.
I listened. I understood.
I know that no matter what the next two years will bring I will look back to these very few weeks and know that this is when a profound change happened in me. My strength was restored. Faith once again filled my heart. The giggly sound came out.
I haven’t felt this joy in over two years. I haven’t … but from now on I will.

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Itchy hands

No, my dear readers, I do not have any type of allergic reaction or dry skin on my hands. The itchy feeling is much more advanced. It's coming from deep inside. I'm itching to touch some paint, and paper, and wood, and oh my goodness it's almost impossible to breath when that happens. I NEED to create. Now would be awesome... End of the working day please come soon. And my sweet working day - please don't push miss inspiration out of my heart today.

Monday, January 21, 2013

I felt a profound shift inside of me

‘ I felt a profound shift inside of me.’ are the words copied straight form Naz Laila’s blog post which she said was inspired by a comment I made about my latest’s visit with my doctor. Something changed within me that day and Naz put it in perfect words. A profound shift.
Call me shallow – so many already did – but while my body was changing and my face was becoming almost unrecognizable I started feeling like I’ve lost it all. I never knew how much of who I was was dependable on the way I looked liked until now. Not what I did, not what I wore but what I looked like. My face. I used to start my days with a long stare at the mirror. When sad, I made silly faces at myself, when scared or defeated, I practiced a strong mile. I looked at my face while practicing English words and trying not to rrrrroll the ‘rrrrs’. I never left the house without blinking an eye to myself and saying ‘make this day count’. The reflection of my face, the strong, determined look in my eyes, and a sneaky, courageous smile became my daily inspiration. It’s what kept me strong, undefeatable, and confident. The daily pep talk I received from my face was what helped me with every step I took in my life. And then all the sudden it was gone. My face slowly started looking different and I stopped looking at it. The girl looking back at me wasn’t me any longer. I panicked. I had nothing to carry me on. I had no one to tell me to go on. I didn’t want to listen to God, my friends, my family. I didn’t want to hear that I was still the same person when I could SEE I was not.

Fear. Shyness. Anxiety. Uncertainty. Self-Doubt. Weakness. That was new me. Too shy to speak up. Too scared to take a step forward. To doubtful to believe and trust again. To weak to keep going. Broken.
The shift inside of me happened so unexpectedly. It was just a casual visit with my doctor. No change was good news. New treatment was discussed. So much trust was given to his words. The medications were discussed. Best wishes for New Year were exchanged. Hellos and goodbyes were said. Before the last goodbye the new step was added to so well known routine. The pictures of my face had to be taken. Fear. Anxiety. Tears. Deep breath. I knew I needed to ease the pain. I asked for a make up and hair artist, asked whether we could play with the light. The nurse laughed. Deep breath. The anxiety settled down a bit. The nurse promised not to sell the images to US Weekly. Deep breath. Please keep talking to me, tell me about your job, how was your weekend, what did you eat for breakfast. Deep breath. The anxiety is still here. I can persevere. Deep breath. Please don’t make me look. Tears.

Who is that in the pictures? I felt the nurse hand me a tissue. The tears made my vision blurry. Close your eyes. Deep breath. Say it. I know you can. It’s not the face that kept you strong, it’s your soul. Say it. Say it at loud. As loud as you need to. Listen and hear. Say it. ‘You are strong’ the whisper broke. Louder ‘You are strong’. The shift happened.

Stare. This time I spoke to my face. I blinked my eye. I smiled. I said what I had to say. I left with ‘keep your chin up’. I left smiling. Proud. Strong. The courage started to come back. I didn’t need my face any longer. I recovered my soul. I let go.
In one year my face changed and with
the change something broke in me
 Today marks a week since that visit. And for the first time in months I walked into my studio with a desire to create. Not to decorate it, not to refurbish another piece of furniture, not to sit in my chair and observe the sunrise. Deep, almost painful desire to create. I gave in. No anxiety. No fear. No criticism. No self-doubt.

Let go and your soul will bloom. I blinked my eye and said ‘you go girl!’ A tiny pep talk. 

Let go and your soul will bloom.

Thursday, January 17, 2013

Go Towards The Sun

There is this old Polish song that I tend to sing in very random moments of my daily routine. I mean very random! It always makes me feel hopeful, renewed. It helps me put all worries behind me. It encourages me… I send the lyrics to this song to my Polish friends in birthday and just because cards hoping that they will to smile when they read it. Today I’m sending the words towards all my English speaking friends. Go towards the Sun and stay hopeful!! That is what a new beginning means to me…

Go Towards The sun

Walk, constantly walk towards the Sun until you reach the line of horizon. Walk, constantly walk without ending. Welcome the awaking day. Welcome it, as a sign of hope, with trust.

Walk, stay constant in your journey which others simply call life. Walk, constantly and endlessly. Keep the coming up night behind your back.

Use simple words to write a morning poem, in only two colors seek and see what is invisible.

 Walk, constantly walk, stepping on the sand covered grass. Always be yourself. Look at the world through child’s eyes.

Walk, constantly walk towards the Sun until you reach the line of horizon.

Now, that you spent some time singing along with me, take a look at my friend’s Valerie’s blog.

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

All because I am strong, courageous and full of love

STRENGHT * COURAGE *KINDNESS are three words I chose as my guides for 2013 after writing down an inventory of ups and downs of the previous year. I used to be strong, I used to be courageous, and I’m always kind (at least try to be). Yesterday I woke up in the morning and stood up tall and proud again. I knew the day was going to be good and it was going to start an amazing year. In less than an hour I was showered with love and kindness (post coming up) from people I didn’t even know. People that genuinely opened their hearts and poured love my way.
I sat down quietly, my heart pounding with excitement and fears and said a prayer: God you know me the most. You know my heart. You know my strengths and you know my weaknesses. God I need strength. Strenght to stand tall every day, not just today. Strenght to welcome courage back in my life. Strenght to welcome everyone with a kind gesture no matter how hurtful their actions are. God I need you. I need you to help me find the strength I somehow lost. It was a short prayer but it felt so powerful, cleansing, and hopeful. I gently cleaned tears of my face. Looked at my wet hands. The tears were purifying. Verse ‘I can do everything through him who gives me strength’ Philippians 4:13 came to my mind. I reached out for my tea and read my morning quote: ‘Live in your strength’. I smiled. Are you talking to me God?

Today I would like to invite you to visit a blog written by a very talented Karrlin Bain. I’ve been reading her posts for a while now and always find an inspiration in her words. Just make sure you have a cup full of tea/coffee and are sitting in a cozy spot – you are about to spend a few hours indulging in Karrlin’s addictive words.