Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Itchy hands

No, my dear readers, I do not have any type of allergic reaction or dry skin on my hands. The itchy feeling is much more advanced. It's coming from deep inside. I'm itching to touch some paint, and paper, and wood, and oh my goodness it's almost impossible to breath when that happens. I NEED to create. Now would be awesome... End of the working day please come soon. And my sweet working day - please don't push miss inspiration out of my heart today.

Monday, January 21, 2013

I felt a profound shift inside of me

‘ I felt a profound shift inside of me.’ are the words copied straight form Naz Laila’s blog post which she said was inspired by a comment I made about my latest’s visit with my doctor. Something changed within me that day and Naz put it in perfect words. A profound shift.
Call me shallow – so many already did – but while my body was changing and my face was becoming almost unrecognizable I started feeling like I’ve lost it all. I never knew how much of who I was was dependable on the way I looked liked until now. Not what I did, not what I wore but what I looked like. My face. I used to start my days with a long stare at the mirror. When sad, I made silly faces at myself, when scared or defeated, I practiced a strong mile. I looked at my face while practicing English words and trying not to rrrrroll the ‘rrrrs’. I never left the house without blinking an eye to myself and saying ‘make this day count’. The reflection of my face, the strong, determined look in my eyes, and a sneaky, courageous smile became my daily inspiration. It’s what kept me strong, undefeatable, and confident. The daily pep talk I received from my face was what helped me with every step I took in my life. And then all the sudden it was gone. My face slowly started looking different and I stopped looking at it. The girl looking back at me wasn’t me any longer. I panicked. I had nothing to carry me on. I had no one to tell me to go on. I didn’t want to listen to God, my friends, my family. I didn’t want to hear that I was still the same person when I could SEE I was not.

Fear. Shyness. Anxiety. Uncertainty. Self-Doubt. Weakness. That was new me. Too shy to speak up. Too scared to take a step forward. To doubtful to believe and trust again. To weak to keep going. Broken.
The shift inside of me happened so unexpectedly. It was just a casual visit with my doctor. No change was good news. New treatment was discussed. So much trust was given to his words. The medications were discussed. Best wishes for New Year were exchanged. Hellos and goodbyes were said. Before the last goodbye the new step was added to so well known routine. The pictures of my face had to be taken. Fear. Anxiety. Tears. Deep breath. I knew I needed to ease the pain. I asked for a make up and hair artist, asked whether we could play with the light. The nurse laughed. Deep breath. The anxiety settled down a bit. The nurse promised not to sell the images to US Weekly. Deep breath. Please keep talking to me, tell me about your job, how was your weekend, what did you eat for breakfast. Deep breath. The anxiety is still here. I can persevere. Deep breath. Please don’t make me look. Tears.

Who is that in the pictures? I felt the nurse hand me a tissue. The tears made my vision blurry. Close your eyes. Deep breath. Say it. I know you can. It’s not the face that kept you strong, it’s your soul. Say it. Say it at loud. As loud as you need to. Listen and hear. Say it. ‘You are strong’ the whisper broke. Louder ‘You are strong’. The shift happened.

Stare. This time I spoke to my face. I blinked my eye. I smiled. I said what I had to say. I left with ‘keep your chin up’. I left smiling. Proud. Strong. The courage started to come back. I didn’t need my face any longer. I recovered my soul. I let go.
In one year my face changed and with
the change something broke in me
 Today marks a week since that visit. And for the first time in months I walked into my studio with a desire to create. Not to decorate it, not to refurbish another piece of furniture, not to sit in my chair and observe the sunrise. Deep, almost painful desire to create. I gave in. No anxiety. No fear. No criticism. No self-doubt.

Let go and your soul will bloom. I blinked my eye and said ‘you go girl!’ A tiny pep talk. 

Let go and your soul will bloom.

Thursday, January 17, 2013

Go Towards The Sun

There is this old Polish song that I tend to sing in very random moments of my daily routine. I mean very random! It always makes me feel hopeful, renewed. It helps me put all worries behind me. It encourages me… I send the lyrics to this song to my Polish friends in birthday and just because cards hoping that they will to smile when they read it. Today I’m sending the words towards all my English speaking friends. Go towards the Sun and stay hopeful!! That is what a new beginning means to me…

Go Towards The sun

Walk, constantly walk towards the Sun until you reach the line of horizon. Walk, constantly walk without ending. Welcome the awaking day. Welcome it, as a sign of hope, with trust.

Walk, stay constant in your journey which others simply call life. Walk, constantly and endlessly. Keep the coming up night behind your back.

Use simple words to write a morning poem, in only two colors seek and see what is invisible.

 Walk, constantly walk, stepping on the sand covered grass. Always be yourself. Look at the world through child’s eyes.

Walk, constantly walk towards the Sun until you reach the line of horizon.

Now, that you spent some time singing along with me, take a look at my friend’s Valerie’s blog.

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

All because I am strong, courageous and full of love

STRENGHT * COURAGE *KINDNESS are three words I chose as my guides for 2013 after writing down an inventory of ups and downs of the previous year. I used to be strong, I used to be courageous, and I’m always kind (at least try to be). Yesterday I woke up in the morning and stood up tall and proud again. I knew the day was going to be good and it was going to start an amazing year. In less than an hour I was showered with love and kindness (post coming up) from people I didn’t even know. People that genuinely opened their hearts and poured love my way.
I sat down quietly, my heart pounding with excitement and fears and said a prayer: God you know me the most. You know my heart. You know my strengths and you know my weaknesses. God I need strength. Strenght to stand tall every day, not just today. Strenght to welcome courage back in my life. Strenght to welcome everyone with a kind gesture no matter how hurtful their actions are. God I need you. I need you to help me find the strength I somehow lost. It was a short prayer but it felt so powerful, cleansing, and hopeful. I gently cleaned tears of my face. Looked at my wet hands. The tears were purifying. Verse ‘I can do everything through him who gives me strength’ Philippians 4:13 came to my mind. I reached out for my tea and read my morning quote: ‘Live in your strength’. I smiled. Are you talking to me God?

Today I would like to invite you to visit a blog written by a very talented Karrlin Bain. I’ve been reading her posts for a while now and always find an inspiration in her words. Just make sure you have a cup full of tea/coffee and are sitting in a cozy spot – you are about to spend a few hours indulging in Karrlin’s addictive words.