Wednesday, October 23, 2013

I learned while my soul was silenced...

When things go bad I do one thing very well. I fall into survival mode and face the yucky. I always did it all wrong. Step one was usually isolating everyone I know. I didn’t want anyone to be bothered by my misfortune and I didn’t believe they would know what to do. I am here to encourage others not for others to encourage me. I’m too proud and too independent. I sadly had no faith in my friends. Step two - I start praying like a mad man looking for answers and grow frustrated when I don’t hear anything back. I keep going. I don’t sleep, I don’t listen, and I keep going. Eventually things pass leaving me feeling exhausted, lonely and depressed.
This time was different. This time crap happened that I had no strength to deal with. This time God forced me to do it right. He forced me to give up because giving up meant letting Him and others in. This time I didn’t want to survive, quite the opposite, I started thinking about giving up and dying. I didn’t want to isolate anyone. I let them in. I let them listen. I let them feed me. I let them take care of me. I didn’t care to do it on my own. In result I felt loved. I gave up but not my friends. Some held my hand; others went above and beyond to make sure I was ok. Some have done much more than I thought I deserved. And God… Well He was listening. Just like every time I shouted out to Him before He was listening. And as always He answered except this time I was able to hear Him back. I wasn’t busy fixing it on my own, I wasn’t determined to persevere. I was in a place where all I could do is let others love on me and hear what He had to say. In words He put in others mouth He said to me over and over ‘I took it away from you so you would change your direction’. I hated Him for that. I hated all He has done. I didn’t understand. God why?
Today I sit here, only 11 weeks after the storm started and only 2 weeks after it’s ending, stronger than I’ve ever been. The joy is bursting out of my heart. My soul is singing. God knew what to do. As cruel as His doing felt at the time today I am thankful for it. He taught me the greatest lesson of all. I – One – Me – Myself – My – has always done it wrong!
I could hear Him this time because there was no other noise in my life. Others took on all my survival tasks upon themselves so the noise was silenced. They took care of me while I had one task only – to listen.
Today I for once know who I am and why He created me in this way. For once I feel like there is a deep reason for all I hold in my heart and soul. I hear the whispers louder and the gremlins saying I cannot much quieter.
I suffered. I surrounded. I survived. I came on the other side reborn. For once I didn’t try to persevere. That was one step, I will forever forgo.

Thursday, October 17, 2013

I haven't...

I haven’t written in a while.
I actually haven’t done anything in a while.
I spent the past two years in hiding, feeling lonely, suffering from an invisible disease.
If you asked me two years ago what my plans for the next two years were I would have given you a long list. I would have had plans and dreams, mostly unrealistic but still mine. I would have told you about all the blessing that were going to come my way. I would have named all the people I was going to meet or spend time with. I would have described all the travels I hoped to journey through. I would have giggled and made silly faces talking about the future. Future was always good in my books. It was always full of God’s blessings.
I didn’t know that my next two years weren’t going to go well. I didn’t know that I was going to become a shadow of a girl that used to be and I didn’t know, nor I could have known that God was going to go to an extreme to open my heart for his love once again.
In October two years ago I got engaged. How could have I possibly thought that those magical words ‘Would you marry me?’ were going to be one of the last sweet memories of the person I then was. Full of light and giggle. Skipping instead of walking. Hamming songs about forever happiness.
I haven’t been this person for a while. I haven’t giggled nor skipped. I haven’t danced. I haven’t bough silly ruffly skirts and I haven’t blown bubbles just to see them bounce of the grass. I haven’t made many new friends nor I have kept in close touch with those I already have. I haven’t done yoga, swam, wore a tank top in public. I haven’t looked up to the skies and said ‘for all those blessings I am thankful’.

I haven’t lived in the past two years.

I coexisted with people and objects that surrounded me. I worked, made it to my doctor appointments, shopped for bigger and bigger clothes while my body grew and grew. I haven’t read any books that make me happy, instead I’ve researched any possible cure for my disease. Except there aren’t any.
For two years I lived a life of a broken person. Keeping strong faith and hoping that God was going to take me away from where I was. He was going to save me. And when I finally end up standing at the edge of a cliff looking up into the sky and begging for love and change, He came through with one little miracle that was going to change my life. One short lived miracle that He took away as quickly as He gave it to me. And He pushed me off the cliff. And there I was, with nothing left. My faith dried out, my anger grew. I had nothing to lose or gain. Nothing to pray for. Nothing to dream about. Nothing besides a very dull, empty pain. Silence in my soul.
And then He spoke to me. First came a whisper. Three words that were stuck in my head on a repeat. Like a broken record. Getting louder and clearer. With no meaning. I followed. And with that came more words. A stranger speaking a message from Him. A stranger that said words she could not possibly come up with on her own. She didn’t know me how could have she known about me. And another stranger. And then a paper sign. And another stranger who used the same exact words that the first one did. Neither knowing what they just said to me. Neither knowing that God used them to speak to me. I was silent, He was loud.
I listened. I understood.
I know that no matter what the next two years will bring I will look back to these very few weeks and know that this is when a profound change happened in me. My strength was restored. Faith once again filled my heart. The giggly sound came out.
I haven’t felt this joy in over two years. I haven’t … but from now on I will.