Wednesday, October 23, 2013

I learned while my soul was silenced...

When things go bad I do one thing very well. I fall into survival mode and face the yucky. I always did it all wrong. Step one was usually isolating everyone I know. I didn’t want anyone to be bothered by my misfortune and I didn’t believe they would know what to do. I am here to encourage others not for others to encourage me. I’m too proud and too independent. I sadly had no faith in my friends. Step two - I start praying like a mad man looking for answers and grow frustrated when I don’t hear anything back. I keep going. I don’t sleep, I don’t listen, and I keep going. Eventually things pass leaving me feeling exhausted, lonely and depressed.
This time was different. This time crap happened that I had no strength to deal with. This time God forced me to do it right. He forced me to give up because giving up meant letting Him and others in. This time I didn’t want to survive, quite the opposite, I started thinking about giving up and dying. I didn’t want to isolate anyone. I let them in. I let them listen. I let them feed me. I let them take care of me. I didn’t care to do it on my own. In result I felt loved. I gave up but not my friends. Some held my hand; others went above and beyond to make sure I was ok. Some have done much more than I thought I deserved. And God… Well He was listening. Just like every time I shouted out to Him before He was listening. And as always He answered except this time I was able to hear Him back. I wasn’t busy fixing it on my own, I wasn’t determined to persevere. I was in a place where all I could do is let others love on me and hear what He had to say. In words He put in others mouth He said to me over and over ‘I took it away from you so you would change your direction’. I hated Him for that. I hated all He has done. I didn’t understand. God why?
Today I sit here, only 11 weeks after the storm started and only 2 weeks after it’s ending, stronger than I’ve ever been. The joy is bursting out of my heart. My soul is singing. God knew what to do. As cruel as His doing felt at the time today I am thankful for it. He taught me the greatest lesson of all. I – One – Me – Myself – My – has always done it wrong!
I could hear Him this time because there was no other noise in my life. Others took on all my survival tasks upon themselves so the noise was silenced. They took care of me while I had one task only – to listen.
Today I for once know who I am and why He created me in this way. For once I feel like there is a deep reason for all I hold in my heart and soul. I hear the whispers louder and the gremlins saying I cannot much quieter.
I suffered. I surrounded. I survived. I came on the other side reborn. For once I didn’t try to persevere. That was one step, I will forever forgo.

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